everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
You Might Also Like
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
*me flirting
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Trying
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I’ve had worse
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.