Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
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Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together