THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
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[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
i actually laughed 😩
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”