[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
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I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you