Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
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me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
so i’m at the stock market right
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.