[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
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Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
For the ones in the back.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect