Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
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For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Go girl power!
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”