Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
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Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.