I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
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Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Breaking news:
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.