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[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
They’re on their honeymoon
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Dance like you’re not the father
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Still laughing at this stupid meme
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.