Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
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Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
I have so many questions.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me