BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
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I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Jurassic park gets weird
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Warm pools make me nervous.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Breaking news:
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
There is no “ea” in Tim.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.