Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
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I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
ouch
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Close call…
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
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Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell