Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
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A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.