throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
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ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
bro what is going on at twitter
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?