You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
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I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”