Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
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House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler