ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
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If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Doggies just call it style.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.