I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
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“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
what it’s like dating me:
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
every. time.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Owl Sanctuary