Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
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Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”