Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
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Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Just a friendly reminder!
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.