vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
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My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
the short answer to this question
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN