If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
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I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.