olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
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Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).