If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
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Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
There is no try. There is only give up.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*