Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
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spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW