best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
You Might Also Like
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
*cough*
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Feels
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
twitter users today: