Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
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When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”