A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
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Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
they should invent a rest for the wicked
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~