Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
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The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
You know…for fall…
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no