[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
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While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he鈥檚 definitely my husband鈥檚 son.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family鈥檚 cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
馃檹馃従
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it鈥檚 Valentine鈥檚 Day now.
why would tinder want me to say this
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 馃槉馃檶馃帀
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Always 馃ゴ
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
If you love someone don鈥檛 do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
got banned from Trader Joe鈥檚 for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it鈥檚 at 2%?
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That鈥檚 just ridiculous.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.