Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
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18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.