October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
You Might Also Like
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Every work call, he judges.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
“The Perfect Relationship”
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.