Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
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I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.