We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
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Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.