Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
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Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
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Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Note to self: always read the final line
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.