When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
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*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
lol
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
oh u like geography? name every lake
How to draw a duck
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.