Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
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Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
The Punning Dead.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.