[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
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Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.