Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
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Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Lmaoo 😂
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
my first dose meeting my second
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure