People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
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Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.