“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
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The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Bed should get ready for ME
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
This kid is a star!
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
My spirit animal is fried chicken
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.