Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
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Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
🙁
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.