I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
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Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?