“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
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They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
i can’t wait that long
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
See..?
.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me