Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
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I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Hello Twits.