Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
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I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
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The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]