“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
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*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
crazy
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family