Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
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Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.