I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
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If you know, you know 😂🚔
You’ll be OK
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Möther may I have a snäck
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room